Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
