If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
