If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
