What a fucking waste of an outfit
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
