If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
