He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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