so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Randomize
