omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
