when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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