I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
