turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
