Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
