can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
