i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
