So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Randomize
