Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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