I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
