I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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