I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize
