When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
