My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
