so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Drake has all the answers
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
