I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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