FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
