I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
