Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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