before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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