Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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