Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
