happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
