My sheets look like a crime scene.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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