Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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