He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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