Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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