Who wears a wallet chain?!
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
