So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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