man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
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