Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
