how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
dude i'm inner monologue high
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
