I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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