Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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