ya dads aren't the best wingmen
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
