Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
this boner is exhausting
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
