I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i barfeds in our rink
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
