were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
