she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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