based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
