Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
