All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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