so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize