I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
