he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
