In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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