I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
