Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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