this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
