who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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