I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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