Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
