the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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